Serendipity’s blog

Where is everyone?  Why aren't you on here speculating on the upcoming (unknown) happenings slated for our beloved webboard? 

The two disorders that most fascinate me are NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) and BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder).  NPD has a bleak prognosis due to the very limited capability of the sufferer to aquire insight.  The defenses of this disorder makes it extremely difficult to ever aquire true insight, or perhaps true desire to be anything different. BPD can have a more optimistic prognosis, depending on the level of insight that the disordered personality is capable of aquiring. (I'll blog more on BPD in the future, as I have had some amazing and very positive experiences with people with BPD who have taught me more about the disorder than any book I've ever read).    

Personality disorders are not "per se" mental ilnesses.  All of us have traits that make up our personalities. But when one or several maladaptive patterns of relating or inflexible behaviors dominate our core personality to the point of making us unable to function in a socially acceptable form, or even to obtain a normal degree of happiness, they may be the basis of a disordered personality. 

I blog in several different locations otside of VOX.  I blog mostly about NPD.  I have been amazed by the number of NPD victims that have communicated with me.  I'm not even sure how they found my blogs, as many writers have been from countries all over the world.

I'm beginning to suspect that the disorder may be a tad more common than clinical studies have estimated.  Why?  Probably because most "N's" are extremely intelligent and present a somewhat "normal" facade to the general public.  They are even able to repress traits that might identify them during therapy. And most of the victims are ashamed to find themselves in this situation and tend to hide the truth from others...even therapists.

Many that communicated with me have heartbreaking stories of pain and suffering. They are not only romantic relationships but sadly; children, siblings, friends, and co-workers of those with this devastating personality disorder.

All of you have given me so much...without even realizing it.  I have discovered that I'm not alone in my quest for information.  So little is know about the disorder and truth be told, I've found that victims of NPD often have a better understanding of the disorder than those profesionals who study it from textbooks.  Each of you are in various stages: from active relationships to full recovery.  From each of you I glean invaluable information, and (as a close friend reminded me), knowledge is power.

To all of you actively involved in a personal relationship with an "N," I can only say that there IS an end to the guilt and pain, if you WANT there to be an end. And you in turn, become a better person.  The "pot of gold" at the end of the rainbow is that victims return to normal life and healthy relationships. They learn to appreciate the good in others (the thing once taken for granted).  They learn to move on and forgive..not only their transgressors, but themselves as well. 

They re-learn trust, because to do otherwise would be perpetuating victimhood.

They learn to accept their own imperfections and like themselves despite those imperfections.

And best of all, they learn how wonderful life is...that even in the face of adversity, they find the strength to be good, caring, empathetic people. 

Ironically this is something "N's" will probably never find. 

I continue to be fascinated by the personality disorders, especially NPD..which I have encountered from time to time.  Based on questions presented to me at work and by friends, I've recently researched NPD and sexuality. The results were quite interesting.  

Do narcissists hate women?

Answer:

Narcissists abhor and dread getting emotionally intimate. The cerebral ones regard sex as a maintenance chore, something they have to do in order to keep their Source of Secondary Supply. (There are 2 types of narcissism: Intellectual and Somatic and most who suffer NPD have components of both types, with one predominating). The somatic narcissist treats women as objects and sex as a means to obtaining Narcissistic Supply.

Many narcissists tend to engage in FRUSTRATING behaviours towards women. They refrain from having sex with them, tease them and then leave them, resist flirtatious and seductive behaviours and so on. Often, they invoke the existence of a girlfriend/fiancée/spouse or problems in a past relationship, as the "reason" why they cannot have sex/develop a relationship. But this is not out of loyalty and fidelity in the empathic and loving sense. This is because they wish (and often succeed) to sadistically frustrate the interested party.

This pertains ONLY to cerebral narcissists, but NOT to somatic narcissists and HPDs (Histrionic Personality Disorder) who use their BODY, sex and seduction/flirtation to extract Narcissistic Supply from others. He is incapable of loving – foremost, of loving himself. He is also hard pressed to maintain both continuity and availability. He promptly develops acutely felt saturation points (both sexual and emotional). These points destabilise him to the extent that he is never there for his significant other. Moreover, he tends to have "object-ive" sexual preferences and behaviours. Some narcissists prefer masturbation (objectifying the body and reducing it to a penis), group sex, or paraphilias. If less perverse, the narcissist treats his mate as a sex object, or a sex slave. He tends to import behaviours from other realms of his life – to the arena of sex. If a verbal abuser, he tends to humiliate his partner physically and sexually as well, for instance.

Narcissists are misogynists. They team up with women as mere Sources of SNS (Secondary Narcissistic Supply). The woman's chores are to accumulate past NS and release it in an orderly manner, so as to regulate the fluctuating flow of primary supply. Otherwise, cerebral narcissists are not interested in women Most of them are asexual (engage in sexual acts very rarely, if at all). They hold women in contempt and abhor the thought of being really intimate with them. Usually, they choose submissive women, well below their level. This leads to a vicious cycle of neediness, self-contempt ("How come I am dependent on this inferior woman") and disdain directed at the woman. Hence the abuse. When Primary NS is available – the woman is hardly tolerated, as one would reluctantly pay the premium of an insurance policy.

The narcissist's attitude to women is, naturally, complex and multi-layered but it can be summarised using four axes:

The Holy Whore, The Hunter Parasite , The Frustrating Object of Desire , and Uniqueness Roles.  

The narcissist divides all women to saints and whores. He finds it difficult to have sex ("dirty", "forbidden", "punishable", "degrading") with feminine significant others (spouse, intimate girlfriend). To him, sex and intimacy are mutually exclusive rather than mutually expressive propositions. Sex is reserved to "whores" (all other women in the world). This division resolves the narcissist's constant cognitive dissonance ("I want her but…", "I don't need anyone but…"). It also legitimises his sadistic urges (abstaining from sex is a major and recurrent narcissistic "penalty" inflicted on female "transgressors"). It also tallies well with the frequent idealisation-devaluation cycles the narcissist goes through. The idealised females are sexless, the devalued ones – "deserving" of their degradation (sex) and the contempt that, inevitably, follows thereafter.

Heterosexual narcissists desire women as any other red-blooded male does or even more so due to the special symbolic nature of the woman in the narcissist's life. Humbling a woman in acts of sado-masochistic sex is a way of getting back at them. But he is frustrated by his inability to meaningfully interact with them. Their incessant demands for intimacy are perceived by him as a threat. He recoils instead of getting closer. The cerebral narcissist also despises and derides sex, as we said before. Thus, caught in a seemingly intractable repetition complex, in approach-avoidance cycles, the narcissist becomes furious at the source of his frustration. Some narcissists set out to do some frustrating of their own. They tease (passively or actively), or they pretend to be a sexual and, in any case, they turn down, rather cruelly, any attempt by a woman to court them and to get closer.

Sadistically, they tremendously enjoy their ability to frustrate the desires, passions and sexual wishes of women. It makes them feel omnipotent and malevolent. Narcissists regularly frustrate all women sexually – and significant women in their lives both sexually and emotionally. Somatic narcissists simply use women as objects and then discard them. They masturbate with women as an auxiliary. The emotional background is identical. While the cerebral narcissist punishes through abstention – the somatic narcissist penalises through excess.

To live with a narcissist is an arduous and eroding task. Narcissists are irritable, infinitely pessimistic, bad-tempered, paranoid and sadistic in an absent-minded and indifferent manner. Their daily routine is a rigmarole of threats, complaints, hurts, eruptions, moodiness and rage. The narcissist rails against slights true and imagined. He alienates people. He humiliates them because this is his only weapon against the humiliation of their indifference. Gradually, as he ages, the narcissist's social circle dwindles and then vanishes.  He regards social interactions as a nuisance to be minimised.

The narcissist is torn between his need to obtain Narcissistic Supply (from human beings) – and his fervent wish to be left alone.

The narcissist is a lonely wolf. He is a shaky platform, indeed, on which to base a family, or future plans.

***My information is taken from Sam Vaknin, Ph.D.  Sam is a true authority on the disorder and himself suffers from NPD.  His research is well worth reading.

Rare license plate sells for $675,000

http://www.courierpostonline.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20080218/NEWS01/80218015

 Cheers and applause filled the packed Rehobeth Beach, Del., convention center as Tim Ayers of Seaford bid $625,000 for the coveted No. 6 black-and-white Delaware license plate.

As anticipation, then bidding grew more spirited, so did the noise.

Auctioneer Butch Emmert, realizing he had two bids for the same amount, returned to Vassallo to ask if he was in for $650,000.

Vassallo's hand trembled slightly on his cell phone as he repeated the question and then nodded to Emmert, then hollered to his grandfather.

"We're at $650,000 and we're the high bid."

Then Emmert worked on Ayers, who owns the Sussex Guide, likening the plate to the Mona Lisa, saying, "Anything worth $650,000 is worth $700,000."

Amid the ruckus, Sheri Klemkowski of Rehoboth Beach smiled serenely like a model, showing off the plate, in a Delaware-style "Deal or No Deal."

Cheers and shouts of "Go for it!" grew.

Then Emmert, after more banter, said a "third and final call" at $650,000 - and Ayers raised by $10,000.

"Six-sixty!"

"Six-seventy-five?" he asked Vassallo, sparking more roar, then all eyes were on the young man with the cell phone.

"Six-seventy-five," he told Emmert calmly. "

"It's a world record!" Emmert proclaimed. "Six-seventy five!"

Then Emmert again courted Ayers, sharing a report of a license plate with the No. 1 from Abu Dhabi that sold over the weekend for $14 million in the United Arab Emirates.

"Come on, Tim!" someone yelled.

Going once, going twice, a third and final call at $675,000. Then Emmert asked Ayers to raise to $685,000, saying, "What is $10,000 on this?"

But Ayers shook his head as Emmert repeated, "Going once at $675,000, going twice."

"Third and final call," he said over cheers. Then finally, "Sold!"

Vassallo beamed, yelling into the phone, "We got it at six-seventy-five."

"Delaware's motor vehicle laws allow registration numbers and tags to be transferred between cars and owners, triggering the uniquely Delaware obsession with low-digit tags: Family members pass the tags along in their wills, and there are Web sites brokering the buying and selling of the tags."

"Put more simply, it's a status symbol, said Robert Thompson, founding director of the Bleier Center for Television and Popular Culture at Syracuse University in New York."

**********************************************************

This is soooo sick.  Many of you will say "it's an investment," and indeed it probably is.  But that means there are actually people in this country (and others) who would spend an outrageous sum for the sole purpose of acquiring a status symbol.

How many kids could go to college...or even EAT for the amount of money spent on something so ridiculous?  This is a sad commentary on the values of some.  It makes me realize why terrorism exsists.  I saw children dying of hunger in Peru.  I'm sad to know that some of my "educated" countrymen are responsible for fueling the fires of our image as collectors of frivolous garbage; superficial members of the human race.

Fun things to do.  Target shooting, exploring the hidden beauty of our area, the freedom of a bike ride on a beautiful day!

How to recognize a narcissist
Current mood: adventurous

How to recognize a narcissist :
Never love anything that can't love you back

More info on my favorite personality disorder!

These are field notes -- that is, descriptions and observations to assist in identifying narcissists and also, I hope, to give aid and comfort to others who live and work with narcissists. I'm sorry that I cannot also give hope, but, since a prime characteristic of narcissists is believing that they are always right no matter what, narcissists are extremely resistant to change and, unfortunately, tend to get worse as they get older.

I have also never had to cope with a physically aggressive narcissist (at least not more than shoving or pushing). The narcissists I've known have pretty much stuck to neglect, sadistic behavior, & verbal and emotional abuse.

Nearly everyone has some narcissistic traits. It's possible to be arrogant, selfish, conceited, or out of touch without being a narcissist. The practical test, so far as I know, is that with normal people, no matter how difficult, you can get some improvements, at least temporarily, by saying, essentially, "Please have a heart." This doesn't work with narcissists; in fact, it usually makes things worse.

It's impossible to overemphasize the importance of narcissists' lack of empathy. It colors everything about them. I have observed very closely some narcissists I've loved, and their inability to pay attention when someone else is talking is so striking that it has often seemed to me that they have neurological problems that affect their cognitive functioning. These are educated people with high IQs, who've had ordinary middle-class backgrounds and schooling, and their thinking is not only illogical but weird: with narcissists, you have to know them pretty well to understand their behavior. For instance, they always fill in their gaps (which make up just about the entirety of their visible life) with bits of behavior, ideas, tastes, opinions, etc., borrowed from someone else whom they regard as an authority. Their authoritative sources, as far as I know, are always people they've actually known, not something from a book, for instance, and narcissists' opinions may actually come from someone you know, too, but who is not to you obviously an authority on the matter at hand, so narcissists can seem totally arbitrary, virtually random in their motivations and reasoning. They are evidently transfixed by a static fantasy image of themselves, like Narcissus gazing at his reflection, and this produces an odd kind of stillness and passivity. Because their inner life is so restricted and essentially dead, it doesn't contain images of how to live a full life -- these things are not important to them, they expect others to look after day-to-day chores, they resent wasting their specialness on common things, they don't put their heart into their work (though they'll tell you how many hours they put into it), they borrow their opinions and preferences and tastes from whomever strikes them as authoritative at the moment.

From my personal experience, and from what I've seen in the clinical literature, narcissists don't talk about their inner life -- memories, dreams, reflections -- much at all. They rarely recount dreams. They seem not to make typical memory associations -- i.e., in the way one thing leads to another, "That reminds me of something that happened when I was...of something I read...of something somebody said...." They don't tell how they learned something about themselves or the world. They don't share their thoughts or feelings or dreams. They don't say, "I have an idea and need some help," or "There's something I've always wanted to do...did you ever want to do that?" They do not discuss how they've overcome difficulties they've encountered or continuing problems that they're trying to solve (beyond trying to get someone else to do what they want). They often say that they don't remember things from the past, such as childhood events, their schooldays or old friends, and it seems to me that they really don't most of the time.  A striking thing about narcissists that you'll notice if you know them for a long time is that their ideas of themselves and the world don't change with experience; the ones I've known have been stalled at a vision that came to them by the age of sixteen.

Now, it is possible to have a relatively smooth relationship with a narcissist, and it's possible to maintain it for a long time. The first requirement for this, though, is distance: this simply cannot be done with a narcissist you live with. Given distance, or only transient and intermittent contact, you can get along with narcissists by treating them as infants: you give them whatever they want or need whenever they ask and do not expect any reciprocation at all, do not expect them to show the slightest interest in you or your life (or even in why you're bothering with them at all), do not expect them to be able to do anything that you need or want, do not expect them to apologize or make amends or show any consideration for your feelings, do not expect them to take ordinary responsibility in any way. But note: they are not infants; infants develop and mature and require this kind of care for only a brief period, after which they are on the road to autonomy and looking after themselves, whereas narcissists never outgrow their demands for dedicated attention to their infantile needs 168 hours a week. Adult narcissists can be as demanding of your time and energy as little babies but without the gratification of their growing or learning anything from what they suck from you. Babies love you back, but adult narcissists are like vampires: they will take all you can give while giving nothing back, then curse you for running dry and discard you as a waste of their precious time.

It is also essential that you keep emotional distance from narcissists. They're pretty good at maintaining a conventional persona in superficial associations with people who mean absolutely nothing to them, and they'll flatter the hell out of you if you have something they can use or if, for some reason, they perceive you as an authority figure. That is, as long as they think you don't count or they're afraid of you, they'll treat you well enough that you may mistake it for love. But, as soon as you try to get close to them, they'll say that you are too demanding -- and, if you ever say "I love you," they'll presume that you belong to them as a possession or an appendage, and treat you very very badly right away. The abrupt change from decent treatment to outright abuse is very shocking and bewildering, and it's so contrary to normal experience that I was plenty old before I realized that it was actually my expression of affection that triggered the narcissists' nasty reactions. Once they know you are emotionally attached to them, they expect to be able to use you like an appliance and shove you around like a piece of furniture. If you object, then they'll say that obviously you don't really love them or else you'd let them do whatever they want with you. If you should be so uppity as to express a mind and heart of your own, then they will cut you off -- just like that, sometimes trashing you and all your friends on the way out the door. The narcissist will treat you just like a broken toy or tool or an unruly body part: "If thy hand or thy foot offend thee, cut them off" [Matt. 18:8]. This means you.

narcissists' traits:

The most telling thing that narcissists do is contradict themselves. They will do this virtually in the same sentence, without even stopping to take a breath. It can be trivial (e.g., about what they want for lunch) or it can be serious (e.g., about whether or not they love you). When you ask them which one they mean, they'll deny ever saying the first one, though it may literally have been only seconds since they said it -- really, how could you think they'd ever have said that? You need to have your head examined! They will contradict FACTS. They will lie to you about things that you did together. They will misquote you to yourself. If you disagree with them, they'll say you're lying, making stuff up, or are crazy. [At this point, if you're like me, you sort of panic and want to talk to anyone who will listen about what is going on: this is a healthy reaction; it's a reality check ("who's the crazy one here?"); that you're confused by the narcissist's contrariness, that you turn to another person to help you keep your bearings, that you know something is seriously wrong and worry that it might be you are all signs that you are not a narcissist]. NOTE: Normal people can behave irrationally under emotional stress -- be confused, deny things they know, get sort of paranoid, want to be babied when they're in pain. But normal people recover pretty much within an hour or two or a day or two, and, with normal people, your expressions of love and concern for their welfare will be taken to heart. They will be stabilized by your emotional and moral support. Not so with narcissists -- the surest way I know of to get a crushing blow to your heart is to tell a narcissist you love them, or remove your emotional support. They will respond with a nasty power move, such as telling you to do things entirely their way or else be banished from them for ever.

*Quoted from Joanna Ashmun: How to recognize a narcissist

I read everything I can by Sam Vaknin who is one of the foremost experts (and interestingly, is himself a Narcissist). NPD is the least understood of the cluster B personality disorders. It's probably the least understood of ALL the personality disorders. That's because N's tend to be very intelligent and are able to hide their disorder for short sustained periods. Even professionals can be easily fooled by a savy Narcissis They tend to be secretive, manipulative, and disarmingly charming on the surface. They rarely seek help..they feel that it's the rest of the world that has a problem. But I believe that deep down inside N's are aware that they are bad. Sometimes, in a weak moment, they will even admit it. But as they have NO empathy, no soul, and no remorse, they continue down the same destructive path over and over...like a broken record.